November 17, 2013

I see your multi-colored, hazel eyes staring deep into  mine
questions, confusion, fear, and anger shoot back at me like
hurtful daggers 
which tear jagged holes in my soul
my words are twisted into tools of hatred and destruction
I feel powerless against what lurks inside you
"Why are so hard to love" I say as a look into your
multi-colored, tear-filled eyes
You have no answer, just blank and desperate silence
I shake my head in defeat, 
and turn away from the mirror.
 
I wrote that poem.  Just now, as I caught myself spiraling
down the old, familiar drain which leads to the foulest reaches of my desperate darkness.  This time, I catch myself.  I peer over the crumbling edge, looking into the darkness just long enough to retrieve this poem and remind myself that depression is always lurking, it is dangerous, it is deadly.

I wasn’t always able to catch myself; many times I sunk down so far I nearly lost my way out. My soul writhing in its death throes as I attempt to exist in a place filled with pain, fear, questions, sorrow and desperate hopelessness. There is no logic, no truth, no meaning, no life.  It is not a place I would send my worst enemy. 
 
I have always avoided talking about it.  However, silence is quite deadly.  The cultural stigma which shames the depressed prevents those afflicted from seeking help.  I am not merely sad, I am not wallowing in self-pity, I am not seeking your attention, I am not selfish.  I can’t “just get over it.”  I am uncomfortable writing this but I feel the message is too important.  As I said before, silence is quite deadly.

A large part of my ongoing healing process involves developing my self-awareness. Being aware enough of what is happening to me to recognize when my thoughts are heading in the wrong direction. To recognize when I am not safe and use tools I’ve learned over many years of work to bring me back to a place of
relative peace.  Writing is one tool. Work with horses is another.

Horses are excellent teachers of self-awareness.  Their
survival in the wild depends on their ability to listen to their bodies.  The horse is hungry, she eats. The horse is restless, she moves.  The horse is in pain, she rests.  The horse senses incongruence in another being (say one thing, do another), she
retreats.  The horse senses danger in the tension of the environment around her, she turns to her herd mates for
safety. 

The horse brings this self-awareness to the horse-human relationship. Many people believe this is why equine assisted psychotherapy is so effective.  The horse is very good at pointing out incongruence in the people around her. My own horse will not tolerate incongruent behavior in me. Putting on the “brave face,” leaving my problems at the door, or otherwise presenting myself as happy when inside I am not (you know, the way society expects us to behave) will produce several undesirable behaviors in her.  If she is free she will move (or even run) away from me; if she is tied or otherwise confined, she will dance around, fret and generally show signs of discomfort in my presence. In extreme cases she will become very nervous, pawing the ground, stomping her feet and calling out to other horses.  If I acknowledge how I really feel, she will go back to normal. It is really quite amazing to experience.

Someday I hope to develop an equine assisted therapy program for depressed individuals to work on building their self-awareness.   I will add this to my growing list of projects.  In the meantime, if you are depressed or have symptoms of depression, find someone to talk to: a best friend, a therapist, a pastor, a counselor, a family member –  anyone you feel comfortable talking to.  It helps if you can find someone who understands depression as a disease vs. someone who subscribes to the “just get over it” lie.  

If you have access to a horse on a somewhat regular basis, be aware of how the horse responds to you from day-to-day.  When you observe an unusual behavior,
don’t assume it is a problem with the horse – it seldom is. 
She may be trying to tell you something.  Take a look inside yourself and be honest about what you discover – it may be a very important step along your path to healing.

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